Jokes and Fun Finds

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Jokes and Fun Finds

Post  sweetormiger on Tue Jun 10, 2008 9:00 am

Can't go without a joke or two....

Jesus vs Satan Competition

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on
the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was
tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to
set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I
will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with

heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power
went off..

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in
the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their
computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the
past two hours of work..

Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheate d! How come he has all
his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES
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lawyer vs. Kentuckian

Post  Charity T on Tue Jun 10, 2008 11:15 am

A lawyer and a Kentuckian are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that Kentuckian's are so dumb that he could get over on them easy...

So the lawyer asks if the Kentuckian would like to play a fun game. The Kentuckian is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you Ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.

This catches the Kentuckian's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?" The Kentuckian doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Kentuckian's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Kentuckian and hands him $500. The Kentuckian pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Kentuckian up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The Kentuckian reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with us Kentuckian's ....

We only talk dumb....

_________________
Charity T

"The man that hath no music in himself,
Nor is not mov'd with concord of sweet sounds,
Is fit for treasons, strategems and spoils."
-William Shakespeare

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors but they all have to learn to live in the same box. - Anonymous
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Re: Jokes and Fun Finds

Post  Sarah on Thu Jun 12, 2008 12:16 pm

This was written by a 98-yr old pensioner - pure genius!

Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1 - To make an appointment to see me.
2 - To query a missing payment.
3 - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4 - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5 - To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6 - To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7 - To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorised Contact.)
8 - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9 - To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client
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Re: Jokes and Fun Finds

Post  sweetormiger on Thu Jul 24, 2008 8:33 am

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the towns only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny ... He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home ... and left it there all night.

tongue
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Re: Jokes and Fun Finds

Post  Sarah on Sun Aug 10, 2008 3:27 pm

IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's drive thru window and I gave the teen a $20 note. Our total was $10.50, so I also handed her fifty cents. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me ten dollars back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the fifty cents, and said 'We're sorry but we can't do that kind of thing.' The teen then proceeded to give me back $9.50 in change. Do not confuse the teenagers at McD's.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IDIOT SIGHTING:

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local council office to request the removal of the Kangaroo sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many kangaroos are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Hungry Jack's and ordered a burger. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' (must have been a Qantas employee !!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker. She was leaving the company due to 'down-sizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that animal-in-the-headlights stare.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power board back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at a dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us... And the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE.!!
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Re: Jokes and Fun Finds

Post  sweetormiger on Mon Aug 11, 2008 9:02 am

No this is not me -- my cats are too big! But anyone with a cat knows, if it's a cozy place they are looking for - they will find it and make themselves comfortable, no matter what.
I thought this was funny, though!


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Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Post  sweetormiger on Tue Aug 26, 2008 8:29 am

Why
did the chicken cross the road?


BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!



JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.



HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.



GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really give a shit why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.



DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?



COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.



BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing?



AL GORE: I invented the chicken.



JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.



AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.



DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.



OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.



ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.



NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.



PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.



MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.



DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.



ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.



JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the "other side"? Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.



GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.



BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.



ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.



JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.



BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra?#@&&^(C%..........reboot.



ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?



COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one? Razz
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Re: Jokes and Fun Finds

Post  Sarah on Thu Sep 04, 2008 12:19 pm

Check out www.yearbookyourself.com It's a great website where you upload a photo of yourself and then look at all the different yearbook pictures that can be created through the years. My friends and I have been in stitches at some of the results.
Here's a few of mine.....
1960


1968


1972


1984


So now you can see what fun it is - have a go yourself!!!
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Re: Jokes and Fun Finds

Post  Sarah on Thu Sep 04, 2008 7:51 pm

and just in case you were wondering...........

1966


1970


1988


1994


Laughing Very Happy Laughing
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Re: Jokes and Fun Finds

Post  sweetormiger on Fri Sep 05, 2008 9:11 pm

lol! 1966 and 1970, I am willing to wager Nick is glad he wasn't even alive then...too funny.
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Re: Jokes and Fun Finds

Post  lyndsey on Sat Sep 06, 2008 11:11 am

Ooh nice! Smile x
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Re: Jokes and Fun Finds

Post  serendipity on Sun Sep 07, 2008 10:16 am

sooo funny!! Laughing

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Who's the Boss?

Post  sweetormiger on Mon Sep 08, 2008 8:58 am

I'm The Boss
The company boss was complaining in a staff meeting that he wasnít getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:

"Iím the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
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Olympic Commentators

Post  sweetormiger on Wed Oct 15, 2008 8:44 am

Subject: Commentators at the Olympics



Have a good laugh....
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports
commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they
would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up
and it was amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and
I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her
mother.'

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents,
especially my mother and father.'

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even
some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that
serious.'

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should
think we can expect the same thing again.'

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the
opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over
their faces.'

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the
wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British
crew.'

8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's
like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing
so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out
his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just
said?
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A message from the Queen

Post  sweetormiger on Wed Oct 15, 2008 8:45 am

To the citizens of the United States of America
> from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
>
> In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates
> for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
> notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You
> should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
>
> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
> over
> all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does
> not fancy).
>
> Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America
> without the need for further
elections.
>
> Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be
> circulated
> next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
>
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following
> rules
> are introduced with immediate effect:
>
> -----------------------
> 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as
'colour,'favour,'
> 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut'
> without skipping half the letter s, and the suffix '-ize' will be
replaced
> by the suffix '-'ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise
your
> vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
> ------------------------
> 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
> as
> ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of
>
communication. There is no such thing as U.S .English. We will let
> Microsoft
> know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
> into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of
'-ize.'
> -------------------
> 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
> -----------------
> 4.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
> or
> therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
> that
> you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for
> shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or
> speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
> ----------------------
> 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
> dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be
required if
> you
> wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
> ------------------ ----
> 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
> driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
> go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
> tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
> British sense of humour.
> --------------------
> 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
> calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
> -------------------
> 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
> are
> not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
> properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
> dressed not with catsup but with
vinegar.
> -------------------
> 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
> beer
> at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
> beer,
> and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
> Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound
> the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
> They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
> American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so
that
> all
> can be sold without risk of further confusion.
> ---------------------
> 10 Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
> guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
> English
> characters. Watching Andie Macdowell att empt
English dialogue in Four
> Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed
> with a cheese grater.
> ---------------------
> 11 You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
> proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
> time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
> football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
> wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
> ---------------------
> 12 Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
> an
> event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
> America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your
> borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will
> let you fac e the South Africans
first to take the sting out of their
> deliveries.
> --------------------
> 13 You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
> -----------------
> 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
> Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
> monies
> due (backdated to 1776).
> ---------------
> 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
> saucers,
> and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus
> strawberries (with cream) when in season.
>
> God Save the Queen!
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Lie Detector

Post  sweetormiger on Fri Jan 02, 2009 8:31 am

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.


It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'This robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie,' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments,' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

With that, the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair. Shocked
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Re: Jokes and Fun Finds

Post  sweetormiger on Thu Jan 08, 2009 8:50 am

A man is standing in front of a Pharmacy in a busy street, holding on to a lamp post for dear life.
He stands so still that he does not seem to be breathing, moving a muscle. Stands still as a statue.
After watching him for quite a while the pharmacist walks up to his assistant and asks if she has seen him and wonders if he is ok.
The assistant states: "He was in earlier with a terrible cough, no matter what perscription I gave him the cough just would not stop."
The pharmacist says:"He seems fine to me"
The assistant replies: "Sure, now he does. I gave him one of the strongest laxatives we have in the store. Now he doesn't dare cough!"

Laughing
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